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The Long Walk 2010
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Subtly, knowing that The Long Walk always keeps going...
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Hey Brian, and brothers and sisters,
In some months leading up to the July 7, I had discussed with some of the DAB brothers and sisters what each of us might be doing on that day of The Long Walk. Having bought a kayak last year, one of the ideas that was suggested by a DAB brother was to go on "The Long Paddle" instead of The Long Walk. I thought this would be a great meditative experience; to be alone on the water with God, and to be at peace with the natural surroundings. Last week I even purchased a new roof rack for my car to carry the kayak. And on the day of July 6, I secured the rack to my car, and prepared fruit and plenty of water to take with me, since the next day had been forecast to be a sweltering one.
However, the day did not begin exactly as planned. My kayak is stored in my neighbor's garage, and during the last week she has had an independent contractor doing finishing work on her basement; so she gave the garage spare key to the contractor for the duration of the time he would be working. In other words, the key was not where it usually is, and at that particular time the contractor was nowhere to be found on the property; so I had no access to get into the garage on the morning of the seventh. I recall from one of the recent podcasts Brian mentioning how, over the past four years of personally attempting The Long Walk, that each time the day came his plans were somehow thwarted. This same thought came to my mind too, as I rattled on the locked doorknob of my neighbor's garage...
If I may backtrack here, a little bit: my time with DAB began in August of 2008, right around the time the Windfarm was first launching. At that time, all I was doing was downloading podcasts and listening to Brian daily, and was not quite part of the community just yet. That would come in later months, specifically in June of 2009, when I engaged the community by calling-in to the prayer-line, and by also placing a prayer request in the forums, concerning prayers for reconciliation with my ex-wife. My ex-wife had just abandoned 4 1/2 years of attempts to rebuild our marriage - a choice I did not want to embrace. Thus at that time I connected with the DAB community. I was heartbroken, devastated, and feeling very much alone. To have the opportunity to join in with community during this time felt as if I was finding a safe haven in a storm. In the days and weeks that followed, many people here in the community spoke words of truth and encouragement into my life, and it was wonderful to have.
The journey of the last 12 months has been one of great heights, and depths as well. Some of it has been mystifying to me: prior to the time of my wife's ending the reconciliation attempts, we had both individually pursued God in various personal ways; and because of that, I felt a confidence about our relationship. And even though we had wrestled with a few things during the late winter/early spring of 2009, I did not see any of those things as as insurmountable, and for many months after her ending e-mail (she ended our relationship by email, and last wrote to me on June 28th of 2009) I had great hopes that she would return after "a time of getting her head together with God." By the time the fall of 2009 came around, the brittle hope of any reconciliation shattered within me. She was not going to involve herself in any sort of relationship with me, at all. Since the new website had been launched around the same time period, I began regularly clicking on returning to the site, and out of that experience I began regularly engaging in the lives of others in this community. I have built some tremendous friendships and relationships here with people of this community.
A few months ago, during the spring, I began cleaning up around my apartment, and found several cards and pictures and books that my ex-wife had given me over the years. I also found a box in which I was given a study Bible; a gift from her for our second wedding anniversary. I went through each of those things; pondering over each one, and reading the words that were written in the cards. Each time I finished with each particular thing, I simply placed each on in that same study Bible box, and set it aside.
Over the past weekend, I spied the box. There was a bit of map-marking that occurred in my brain; I had pause to reflect that it has been just over a year now since receiving that ending-email. A thought swirled in my head as to what to do with the box.
And with the change of plans regarding kayaking, on a spur-of-the-moment inspiration I instead loaded my bike onto my bicycle carrier, and made plans to head in the same direction toward the Grand River where I had planned to kayak. Instead of being on the water of the river, I would cycle along it's banks. But before getting to my start-point for my departure, I diverted my route to head to my ex-wife's house, and dropped of the little box full of things at the front doorstep. With that, I finally felt a sense of "leaving."
I wept a few tears, having driven through my old neighborhood and along the streets of my former town, while wondering about my stepchildren and their whereabouts, but there was a sense of "amen, Lord, let me FINALLY leave this with You."
And then, it started, just as I drove away; almost as if a switch had been flipped on. I had this sense of energy, flowing within me; a pervasive sense of the presence of the Holy Spirit, just flooding and welling up.
Throughout the rest of my day, that sensation never left me. I took the time to bicycle for several hours; beginning at the head of the path, and traveling along treed-over the banks of the Grand River, here in southwestern Ontario. I tried to keep track of the kilometer markers that are on the side of the path, but I kept getting distracted by the scenery and by the things God was prompting within my heart and mind. I think, if I can estimate, that I probably cycled 60 or so km (about almost 40 miles) , all the way up the path and back. Throughout this time God began to whisper into my heart "leave the timing and outcomes of all things to Me... you do your part with what you've already been entrusted with. Only if you are faithful with the little things that I've given you can I give you more."
This made immediate sense to my heart and mind; for over the last several months I have wrestled with the prospect of going to Bible college and seminary to complete the education and training to become a biblical counselor. But because of the failures of the reconciliation attempts, I have felt a great sense of shame and a great sense of personal failure. I have felt severely hindered in any desire to undertake further education for Biblical counseling, because as a Christian whose marriage has failed, I have often felt left with a sense of hypocrisy. Some inkling of change has come recently though, in the reading of Henri Nouwen's book "The Wounded Healer," which expresses the concept that "in our woundedness, we can become a source of life for others." The day of The Long Walk with God seemed to bring confirmation and leading of continuing on in that direction...
Perhaps others here had monumental life-altering experiences, or may have felt "the mountain-top experience" with Christ. I do not think of my Long Walk in such a way; my time spent with Him was more about subtle reorientation and recalibration. Like a course change to take in the wind, lifting the sails to billow with a renewal, so that the ship can move forward out of the doldrums. I feel a sense of "starting," and that "little things" which He'd have me be faithful with are things like "planning," and "staying on course," and "consistency." If nothing else, the day was an affirmation from Him to say "I am here, and you are loved. Become the best possible version of yourself that I have created you to be." What this has shown me is that The Long Walk will always keep going, and that it doesn't really have an end once it has begun.
Amen, Father, amen.
Spirit, continue.
Let me stay yoked to Jesus.
"...learn from Me..." (Matt. 11:29a)
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Calico 07/09/2010 11:38 |
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Calico
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07/09/2010 11:51 |
Just realized I spelled "subtlety" wrong in my title line... :-/
I sure wish there was an edit button...
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Yoli-Ann
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07/09/2010 12:02 |
Amen, amen, and amen. God bless you, dear one. Your Long Walk experience, and the message you received from Abba, speaks volumes to me.
Interestingly enough, I've been undergoing the process to become a nouthetic biblical counselor myself, and have struggled with the same kinds of fears. I know I don't have it all together and I've failed many times, but you're right, we, like Christ can be wounded healers.
Thank you, brother.
God be with you
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