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Need Encouragement?
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Yesterday...
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I tend to be a behind-the-scenes, hide-behind-daddy sort of person... so, yesterday when Brian Hardin came to visit our church both daddy's and my hand shot up and Brian turned to answer daddy's first... I always compared myself to my daddy, "what can I do to make him proud? what can I create to make him pleased?" so, he asks a question that sound intelligent and I feel my is insignificant, I shut down and squirmed in my chair to hide when Brian asked about my hand, tried to hide that I did, then everyone turned to eye me so I thought I might as well ask... I freaked out during the time and lied that I forgot... and I heard everyone laugh and after my little sister glared venomously at my I hid my face under my hat... I kinda felt like I didn't measure up to daddy... and on top of that, the person I wished to look up to me made me feel like I was stupid... the laughter didn't give me a problem... I'd have laughed along... but with my lil sis' expectations... I felt humiliated... I finally got the courage to ask again, just in time before Brian left...
Then, folks gave me admirable compliments and I pushed them away... at home, I felt like daddy read into my very soul... and saw things I refused to see... and pretended wasn't there... and now, I feel closer to him... his confession of making me to fit in a category I cannot... and then telling me he was sorry... I felt like I lost every bit of reality...
http://spartanbugsaint.tumblr.com/post/73919892301/a-child-in-whom-abba-delights
http://spartanbugsaint.tumblr.com/post/73948175993/never-felt-this-close-a-poem
http://spartanbugsaint.tumblr.com/post/73914280831/i-wanted-you-normal-so-badly-that-i-tried-to-push
meanwhile, before all this, I was struggling and I was realizing it was time for me to release a friend... and then all this came out;
http://spartanbugsaint.tumblr.com/post/73897453115/recovery-hurts
I mean dunno where to go, what to do... I want to read scriptures, but my heart shatters at just eating food, when I force myself to... I cannot think and I just want peace... and yet I know it's there... and it hurts... :'(
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Ari 01/20/2014 11:02 |
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