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Bible Questions and Spiritual Discussion
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Cheater
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Hi my name is Frank and I am a cheater. I have been married for almost 21 years and in an affair for 11. Yes I am that guy. I didn’t want to be, but I made choices that brought me there. My wife and I had a loveless marriage for a very long time, but she was content. Her biggest mistake was trusting her husband, silly girl. Anyway I had a wife and two, yes two girlfriends. Because “I wasn’t happy and she doesn’t understand”.
Well God seen fit to move me from Germany to South Carolina alone. Just my cat and I. The first girlfriend and I slowly started losing touch, but my other girlfriend I was really in love with. She was much younger and had two smaller daughters, but I really enjoyed being with her. She listened and we talked and we laughed and were planning our future together. All I had to do was tell my wife I wanted a divorce.
I had tried to tell my wife what was wrong with our marriage, but she didn’t see it and didn’t want to listen. She loved me and would go where I go. So I thought well ok, time to drop the truth bomb. I have wanted to tell her for a long time about my cheating, but felt living with the guilt was better than hurting her. Another thing it did was punish myself living with it (which I thought I deserved) and it kept me from God. Oh I tried coming back, but guess what God wasn’t having it. Not that way. Nope you have to come clean. So I was left in limbo. Anyway I thought surely once I dropped the truth on my wife she would want out. So yesterday I dropped bombs on her. I told her about my affairs and my girlfriend. I remember looking at my texting all this (yes I am so classy I texted her of my cheating) and it was like I was just watching my fingers answering everything. For how long, where at, ect….
I even told her I was in love with my girlfriend and planned on being married. She was like fine ill give you a divorce, but for some reason that wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted her to tell me that she wanted a divorce. I don’t know why, but that was important for me. So I kept pushing and she would only say you want one.
I was drained yesterday. Tired ,sick and confused. Today she finally answered and said ,no she didn’t want one. That’s when I realized that I still did love her, but now what. My young girlfriend was in love with me. I couldn’t let go of a marriage if there was a chance to redeem it.
For the first time in years I love my wife again and the first time in a very long time I miss her. I have heart her and my girlfriends and I am really worried that they will something stupid to hurt themselves, but my wife and I are going to work it out.
I would like to ask you all to pray for all those involved to find peace. I would like to ask you all to pray that my marriage will be restored and that my relationship with God can now be restored.
I would also like to tell anyone that is in the situation that I was, to confess and stop. You got married at one time for a reason and maybe you lost it on the way, but cheating only brings death. Even now I am dealing with what I have done, but the weight is off of me. Now I am faced with picking up the pieces, but I know God has been here along. I think God sent me here to make this happen and I am very sure that God was the one texting for me.
Thank you all for listening and all of you that are praying. Everyone needs to have peace now.
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Lost Sheep 03/07/2013 10:57 |
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Lost Sheep
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03/07/2013 13:45 |
Now my girlfriend tested me that she's drunk and is going to kill herself. My wife made me promise not to talk to her and I feel sick.
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Davidwayne Lackey
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03/07/2013 20:46 |
Praying for all concerned. Your wife is right Frank. Give your former girlfriend up to God in prayer and trust Him.
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Ted C
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03/08/2013 13:51 |
Frank, I feel like I can relate to you in so many ways because of what I went through in college. I wasn't married but I truly esteemed my then sometimes live-in girlfriend more than anything else in my life at that point, even to the point of idolatry. Even though I cared for her deeply, another female friend of mine and I ended up seducing each other. The fling only lasted four months. At the end I couldn't live with myself and still remember chain smoking in the Compton Union Building at my college as I came clean with my girlfriend. Everyone was devastated; I think it hit the gal I'd had the fling with even more than my girlfriend. It was one of the lowest points in my life, and a key point in my transition from backsliding back to walking with the Lord. The walk back to fidelity and integrity was a long one. I never could work things out with my then girlfriend because I didn't truly repent from things I knew were wrong and she couldn't trust me. Eventually she'd had enough, and I still remember her words "you blew it" echoing in my mind for years after they were said. But even at that point God was faithful to love me back to Himself. The night she had said that I was walking back across campus, one of the lowest points in my life, and a stranger came to me out of nowhere, prayed for me, comforted me, and then left just as quickly. It was 1:30 AM in the morning in an open field. My situation was a different because we weren't married, which is probably why God split us apart after I started to repent. Happily, after years of fidelity I was married and my bride and I reached the marriage bed pure. Our first ever kiss was on the altar after we were pronounced husband and wife. One thing I've learned as a married man is that things go better if I am completely honest about what is going on in my heart with her. I don't have to give her every little detail of things, to the point of hurt, but I can give her the gist. And I am amazed by the number of times I expect her to be angry or upset, and instead she's thankful simply because I'm communicating. Another thing I did was memorize Scripture. Understanding Proverbs 5-7, and especially 2 Corinthians 6,7, has been incalculably valuable to me. Another thing I did was memorize the following five Scriptures. I don't know what your keys will be, and if you set yourself to do the right thing before God and man He is faithful and you will win and be restored. If you fight back against the things pulling you down, you will win.
2 Cor 10:3-5 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
1 Cor 10:13 13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
Gal 2:20,21 20 I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”
1 Cor 15:57,58 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
2 Cor 2:14 14 But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him.
I think DavidWayne is right. Your former girlfriend is in a position where there is a simple conflict of interest with you comforting her or even trying to communicate to her right now. Very painful, and you'll have to trust her to God's very capable hands.
I'll definitely be praying for you. I really hope this message isn't presumptuous! There's something to be said for breaking the sound barrier, and at least trying to move forward in good faith.
Oh, and my wife and I highly recommend the book "Real Marriage" by Mark Driscoll. We read through it in the evenings and take turns reading sections to each other and then stopping and discussing what we've read. One of the best things we've done for our marriage.
Ted
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